First gays, then animals, then more cock-teases

Originally published on Outsports.com in July, 2004.

One crazy proposition

This November, California voters will answer a marriage proposal. No on Proposition 8 means no to an old world view of life and yes to same-sex marriage. Yes to the ballot measure means no to the inevitable future of America and a desire to remain in the past, when marriage was defined as a traditional institution between a man who fucks around on the side and a woman who pretends not to enjoy having sex.

Does anyone with a logical mind believe same-sex marriage will not happen in this country by the time Barack Obama’s grandchildren are old enough to run for office?

Perhaps the doubters have reason to doubt progress and the march of time. Then again, perhaps we can all go back to driving around in Model T’s and not believing germs cause disease. Maybe we can all go back to a dial-up internet connection while we’re at it.

Recently, two NFL players came out … with anti-gay-marriage messages, and they’re not the only pro jocks to sound off. During the last national election cycle, Atlanta Braves hurler John Smoltz threw a wild pitch when asked about his views on the subject with his “what’s next, marrying animals?” comment. Here now, my response to athletes who still refuse to accept an idea their grandkids will think is no big deal: same-sex marriage.

First Gays, then Animals, then More Cock-Teases

This article first appeared on Outsports.com in July, 2004

Dear John Smoltz of the Atlanta Braves,

I agree with your gay marriage comment. No, not the PR-driven “my bad” that you’re trying to pitch to us now. I’m talking about your OC. Your original comment. See, no matter how you spin it, meant it, glaze it, daze it or make it disappear into thin air, you made your point of view on gays and the idea of gays marrying quite clear when you said:

Randy Boyd, author“What’s next? Marrying animals?”

There’s no mistaking how you feel about homos when those words come out of your mouth in that order. And I say … right on!

They just don’t get it, most homosexuals. Don’t they realize that marriage was invented for the red-blooded, natural citizens of nature? That marriage is the institution by which we teach our children basic values and how we keep society from going all crazy and doing very unseemly and unnatural things?

If we start marrying Adam and Adam or Eve and Eve, the results will be catastrophic. The fallout will fall out even in the sports world, I’m afraid, which is why we need good, upstanding and conservative natural citizens of nature like you, Mr. Smoltz, to speak out.

Just imagine, if gays marry, the whole world will go crazy and not know what to make of marriage anymore, and the sports world will not be immune to the chaos.

  • A famous pitcher could be playing for, say, the Cleveland Indians one day, then the next day, get attacked by his wife and his wife’s high heel while speeding down the highway.
  • Strapping, good looking white pro quarterbacks will have to resort to dating 25 cock-teases simultaneously on national television, and after a little more time than it takes to play an NFL game, he’ll be forced to choose one to be his fairy god princess and bride for life.
  • Love children of the gladiators of sports will start coming out of the woodwork, announcing themselves as the product of extra-marital hook-ups, sullying big name guys we worship, guys as big as Tug McGraw, Karl Malone, Doctor J, and Strom Thurmond (member of the original Ancient Greek Nude Olympic Wrestling Team).
  • If gays are allowed to marry. What’s next? Groups of people marrying? Baseball player husbands cheating on spouses as beautiful as Halle Berry? Basketball player husbands going on business trips to Colorado, then having to remind their young wives they love them with $4,000,000 rings? Football players become so rich and famous they’re raising the kids of the wife/mother they butchered?
  • If homos honeymoon, watch society crumble. Watch millions of human beings of the female persuasion dedicate their lives to getting laid by as many athletes as possible, some for future child support, some just for the pure pleasure of being able to fuck a jock. Watch these women spend hours at team hotels and places the players frequent, just to be a (damned lucky) piece of tail for some married pro athlete.

cba7d-what27snextYou’re damned right, Mr. Smoltz, gays need to keep their noses out of the good old fashioned institution of marriage. Image if that whacko hockey player and his “roommate-lover-agent?” had been married when the whacko hockey player tried to hire a hit man to off his “spouse”?

They got a right to be married? No way! Only natural citizens of nature deserve the privilege of being total jackasses to their Dearly Beloveds.

Marriage should continue to be reserved for men and women, because only straight people can understand, value and respect the sacred commitment of matrimony, that is, when they’re not hitting one another with high heels on the freeway or pretending to be strong family men while denying the existence of loose seed that continues to grow in the form of a fatherless child.

Good thinking, Mr. Smoltz, glad to see you have an open mind and a good grip on reality. Pitch on!

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